Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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