I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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