No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
