Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
