If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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