she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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