I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
