that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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