...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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