we need to drink 2009 down the drain
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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