I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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