We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
