How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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