I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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