I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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