Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
