I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize