I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize