My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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