some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
