Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
