the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My penis needs a shock collar
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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