bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
