so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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