her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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