she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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