I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
