Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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