It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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