i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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