So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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