wanna go halves on a baby?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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