you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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