I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
