Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I died a long time ago.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
