I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize
