i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
