I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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