i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
