You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We left an ass print on the piano.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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