it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize