Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
