You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
