i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
