are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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