She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
