My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
