I want to make a zoo with you.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You are a genius and a whore.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
