a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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