i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
