the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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