I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
