We should be called the Road Head Warriors
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It's never too late to be topless.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
