you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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