planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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