I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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