I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
