she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
