So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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