it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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