My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
