So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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