life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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