i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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