home. puking in laundry basket.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
