I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
