What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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